Yall Ever Just Feel Sad

Been havin lots of issues at home and with myself and trynna fight myself a lot lately so tell me who do you love the most, seriously. And why plz.

I feel so tired and I’m losing interest in things I used to love like art and joking around with my crazy ass friends
I feel like crying my eyes out all the time I’m a lesbian living in a family who would probably kick me out and never want to talk to me again if they found out the truth about me which keeps me up at night because I love most of my family members but it feels like they only love the image I have, an ultra religious girl,
(I’m still religious but I’m not as hardcore about my religion as they believe me to be)
A girl who spends her free time studying for exams (only my dad believes this tho) but he holds me to such a high standard and calls me his favourite child and I he doesn’t deserve a failure-to-be like me.
And lastly, an innocent girl which I don’t consider myself anymore.

My home life is chaotic and loud there’s always someone crying or screaming and my mum hates most of my extended family My uncle died recently from an accident he was the only person I could talk to about my issues and it feels like nothing makes sense anymore

God says he’ll never give me more than my heart can bare, but it gets hard sometimes,
I have the biggest crush on this girl in my class she’s just the nicest person I’ve ever met in my entire life she’s so kind to me and I help her with learning English and studying sometimes and I just want to spend forever with her (≧∀≦)

I’ve also started avoiding my friends (if they still even see me as there friend now) and I just told them “im just tired of hearing your loud voices! “ and I’m scared that my tone came off as rude because they looked concerned and I was almost shouting at them. Everything I say just drives people away from me and I hate it

my crush hasn’t come to school in a while and I’m worried about her.
Everything is a mess rn and it’s hard to maintain such a great image of myself

I want to run away so bad but then I know I’ll scare the hell out of the only person in my life ik would support me if I ever came out, my eldest sister. How do I stay cheerful and hopeful I’m only 12 and it’s not like I’ll get a place where I can live peacefully anytime soon y’know..

Ik this is super long and ended up being a rant

I’m sorry I’m just so anxious but mentally drained these days and I’m tired of ppl asking me if I’m okay like what I’m I supposed to say back? Tell them my entire life story?