Falling Inlove

As a person with multiple crushes in the past who all ended up ignoring me, toxic but kind-tounged parents who refused to accept me, younger brother who feels weirded out by me and hates to even be in my vicinity, friends/friend groups that always end up in drama and me leaving, relatives who are only looking to put me down over their child, grandparents dead or just too religious to the point it suffocates me, strangers on the internet feeling pity for me only because they hear my story but they do not know my entire self, i cannot believe in the sole concept of love or anything else. (=・ω・=)

what exactly is defined as love. subjective. yeah. (づ￣ ³￣)づ

my first crush was when i was 12. We would compete on who would write the fastest until his friends kept on teasing him and yeah, being weirded out, i was ignored. （/TДT)/

my second crush was my best friend when i was 14. he was the only person i talked to so much. lets call him tan. a shy and funny, nerdy looking guy, prodigy in math and mental arithmatics but somehow never topped class even though he was the smartest person i know. he got my interest for my first love, math, back. (i even took math aa hl in ib for him) we would spend hours chatting. and he didnt stop talking even when i left school due to bullying. he supported me through my hardest times and yeah one day he vanished. no matter how i tried contacting him, he vanished. it was probably because he was weirded out. ╥﹏╥

as an adult when i look back at these times, i feel nothing. i lost a funny rival, a true friend who made me want to live once again, and myself in the end. ヽ(`Д´)ﾉ

my third crush, and as ridiculous as it sounds, is a crush i made myself. when one of my roommate asked who i like i just replied with a random guy who would always say hi to me when i joined. i continued the lie and yeah all my roommates know about it. i hope this isnt weird. its not like that guy would want to date me either. like who want to date a 115kg person who does not look good like the other people. I'd probably die of diabetes before he even gets married. (⊙…⊙ )

yeah my parents are an entirely different story and it will take forever to give examples of other people in my life. but yeah i hope you do get an idea of why i don't believe in love. That makes me curious. How or why do you believe in love? i would love and enjoy reading fluffy stories of strangers on the internet. ⁄(⁄ ⁄·⁄ω⁄·⁄ ⁄)⁄

(ps: i really love these emoticons)

Today, my dad decided to act childish and just not go to our family's celebration. We were just about to head out but then he bailed because we were taking "too long." (Me and my sibling were already heading downstairs) He changed back to normal clothes and locked himself in his room. I felt so bad for my mommy because this was the day she gets to be appreciated besides her birthday and my dad decided to ruin the mood, but my mommy decided to be petty and just not get him takeout (well deserved). Then, when we got home my dad made me do some chores and errands so I decided to behave and listen to not make this day even worse than it is for my mommy since he usually shouts, points out my mistakes, and shout some more.

I am not looking forward to Father's Day.