Confession

Hihi<3
Im trans. been identifying as trans since I was around 10 or 11. Im pretty sure im not a transtrender or anything bc ive been experiencing dysphoria since i was around 8 but now im not too sure...

Ok so, since i was young, id get mad and sad because people referred to me as female and id get extremely happy when i people confused me as a boy. Its still like that to be honest but sometimes i just think im faking it. Like any other transguy, i hate my chest and my curves and the downstair neighbor even though i dont look at it a lot. im sure i had what seemed like a panic attack once on my birthday when i wore actually fitting clothes for once in my life instead of my usual baggy clothes. even when my pants are too tight, i start getting suicidal and unable to even look at myself. I cant even look in the mirror while taking off my clothes nor can i look down.


Things that may or may not be unrelated:
1. Genitals in general disgust me. Either on or off of me.
2. Sometimes my perception of myself changes. One minute i'll think that i look masculine, the next androgynous, and 2 hours later, ill think i look feminine and not even look at myself for days haha


Anyway, the overall question is whether i'm actually trans or if im faking. You can ask questions in the replies if you're unsure about something and i'll respond as fast as I can.

So...I was really doubting myself of this guy. I don't know if I'm in love or just crushing him, and also he is my first ever crush in real life bc my life are for ANIMES.
Soo Everytime I chat with him make me happy and like I can't breathe well and my heart is thumping hard but it's not fast. I think of him sometimes and that's so really cliche. I really don't know what or how will I fo to myself. Even tho I read so many shoujo manga or anime. I just need someone to give me an advice (●´⌓`●)