uh so TW//MENTIONS OF MENTAL ILLNESS
i've always noticed this and idk how to fix it but i try so hard to be the "not like other girls" stereotype and convince myself i'm okay and faking. i also have a harmful thoughts about mental illness and suicide which luckily, i'm not paying attention to very often. i basically try so hard to mask myself as an uwu depressed girl and i feel like i end up harming others in the process. i don't even know if my personality is real or not. most of my interests are similar to those who are "not like other girls". i actually convince myself i'm faking and just hate myself even more. when i was in 4th or 5th grade, i used to say things like "i hate myself" or "i'm so bad, i probably would become worse when i'm older" as a joke (but also truthful). i also had some weird thoughts about wanting sleeping forever when i was sad? is that my way of "coping"? i always knew to some extent when i was younger, that what i said was true.. i always thought people who said "joking is my way of coping" were kinda harmful (hahaha how funny i became one of the people who say that). i also question my gender sometimes because i hate my body so much (idk why i hate it so much i'm fine with being fat).
about my very insensitive thoughts about mental illness, uhh i'm really sorry but whenever i see those posts where they say stuff like "why don't you kill yourself if you're so depressed" part of me agrees and i wish i could just stop. i also pretend whatever my psychiatrist says isn't true and i'm just okay and i don't need to cooperate with anyone because in reality i am completely fine. whenever i get a suicidal or hopeless thoughts i end up thinking "uwu i'm so depressed :((" to mock myself. i also tell myself there's no reason for me to be this way (because there actually is no reason idk why i'm like this) my life is so good (i think?). i was spoiled a bit in my childhood so i'm confused as to how i ended up like this but i do acknowledge that i was definitely not okay before i acknowledged the fact that i am mentally ill. i also think that people who are mentally ill are selfish, weak and "crazy". this is only due to my mother's influence on me though so i probably wouldn't keep this mindset.
i'm sorry that i always use mangago as a venting platform, i see a lot of people here who are vocal about being mentally ill so i guess i'm kinda comfortable here. so how do i stop myself from being like this? also how do i find out the reason why i'm mentally ill? i'm sorry i keep referring it to "mentally ill" i don't mean to offend anyone. how do i stop myself from trying so hard to be like the "i'm not like other girls" girl?
i've always noticed this and idk how to fix it but i try so hard to be the "not like other girls" stereotype and convince myself i'm okay and faking. i also have a harmful thoughts about mental illness and suicide which luckily, i'm not paying attention to very often. i basically try so hard to mask myself as an uwu depressed girl and i feel like i end up harming others in the process. i don't even know if my personality is real or not. most of my interests are similar to those who are "not like other girls". i actually convince myself i'm faking and just hate myself even more. when i was in 4th or 5th grade, i used to say things like "i hate myself" or "i'm so bad, i probably would become worse when i'm older" as a joke (but also truthful). i also had some weird thoughts about wanting sleeping forever when i was sad? is that my way of "coping"? i always knew to some extent when i was younger, that what i said was true.. i always thought people who said "joking is my way of coping" were kinda harmful (hahaha how funny i became one of the people who say that). i also question my gender sometimes because i hate my body so much (idk why i hate it so much i'm fine with being fat).
about my very insensitive thoughts about mental illness, uhh i'm really sorry but whenever i see those posts where they say stuff like "why don't you kill yourself if you're so depressed" part of me agrees and i wish i could just stop. i also pretend whatever my psychiatrist says isn't true and i'm just okay and i don't need to cooperate with anyone because in reality i am completely fine. whenever i get a suicidal or hopeless thoughts i end up thinking "uwu i'm so depressed :((" to mock myself. i also tell myself there's no reason for me to be this way (because there actually is no reason idk why i'm like this) my life is so good (i think?). i was spoiled a bit in my childhood so i'm confused as to how i ended up like this but i do acknowledge that i was definitely not okay before i acknowledged the fact that i am mentally ill. i also think that people who are mentally ill are selfish, weak and "crazy". this is only due to my mother's influence on me though so i probably wouldn't keep this mindset.
i'm sorry that i always use mangago as a venting platform, i see a lot of people here who are vocal about being mentally ill so i guess i'm kinda comfortable here. so how do i stop myself from being like this? also how do i find out the reason why i'm mentally ill? i'm sorry i keep referring it to "mentally ill" i don't mean to offend anyone. how do i stop myself from trying so hard to be like the "i'm not like other girls" girl?
uhm rant
[Question]
21 12,2020
im so fucking pissed,,, a police shot an old woman and a man, today(?),,, the police man was with his daughter,,, i dont know the details (there was a footage of the whole thing) but people said that the reason why they got shot is because they were too noisy,, they were arguing abt smth so the police arrived and tried to sought out the situation(?),, the daughter found them too noisy(?) and threatened them, "My father is a policeman",, the old lady said she didnt care then the police shot her then her son,, this wasnt the only case, the same police man had also shot a civillian and the case was isolated
what pisses me off is that the head police said that the person shouldnt have filmed the whole incident,, the President hasnt even said somethimg about the situation,, people are even siding with the police man,, and people are even making MEMES ON THE SITUATION,, I AM UTTERLY PISSED,, i cant really stress this out, im already pissed enough,,
this wasnt the first time this happened,,, a lot of extra judicial killings and police brutality are happening here, and what pisses me off is that people are siding with these criminals, these suspects and theyre even SUPPORTING THEM,, protestors are shot and are accused of carrying bombs and weapons,, civillians are killed, youth are silenced,, AND ANTI-HUMAN RIGHTS AND CORRUPT PEOPLE ARE BEING PROMOTED TO HIGH RANKED OFFICIALS,,
(couldve wrote this much better but im really stressed so please try to bear w this)
what pisses me off is that the head police said that the person shouldnt have filmed the whole incident,, the President hasnt even said somethimg about the situation,, people are even siding with the police man,, and people are even making MEMES ON THE SITUATION,, I AM UTTERLY PISSED,, i cant really stress this out, im already pissed enough,,
this wasnt the first time this happened,,, a lot of extra judicial killings and police brutality are happening here, and what pisses me off is that people are siding with these criminals, these suspects and theyre even SUPPORTING THEM,, protestors are shot and are accused of carrying bombs and weapons,, civillians are killed, youth are silenced,, AND ANTI-HUMAN RIGHTS AND CORRUPT PEOPLE ARE BEING PROMOTED TO HIGH RANKED OFFICIALS,,
(couldve wrote this much better but im really stressed so please try to bear w this)
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm~
[Answer]
21 12,2020
