Chunni thoughts?

Ahhh this makes me laugh and yet also feel a little sad haha..

Recently I have been thinking of ways to.. I guess, simply put, end it all? Thing is, I hate pain, don’t like it one bit.

I imagine scenarios where I write letters to close ones about how I’m sorry I had to go and tell my family off for being such a negative influence on my life. Weird right? I don’t even know if I can put this on my platform lolll but I can’t put it anywhere else cuz I can’t get feedback or I risk getting seen by peers and losing them #－.－)

I seek momentary bliss by blasting music and closing my eyes or reading stories of fictional lives, but eventually it becomes a cycle of depressing thoughts, reading to lift my mood, falling back into a depressive state, getting angry for being such a wimp, getting in a fight with my family, ranting in my personal notes, drown in music, repeat.

Is this the so called... edgy thoughts? Maybe I should seek a therapist and stop being stupid lol, idk. I doubt I’d be able to get in contact with a therapist anyway. I’m too scared of talking people so I dunno(￣∇￣")

Should I just give this some time to grow out of and hope for the best? Maybe this was too much.. eh, I’ll delete this later if it is then (=・ω・=)