life (yap sesh)

i feel so listless. like i've never and will never amount to anything. and idk it doesn't feel like it's just in a self-deprecating sense. i don't have any dreams or aspirations. i don't really like being around anyone but i force it when needed. i have simple hobbies that i think i pretend to like more than i actually do. i fear that i have no love for no person, no thing, and not myself. like i don't have a personality. i go to uni and plan to go to med school, but it is not for myself. when i was younger i would tell my mom that i had no dreams and she would get so angry at me. she doesn't believe that people can have no dreams. is that so abnormal? i just wish to have a humble life by myself, but even then i feel i will always be empty. growing up i've always had sxcidal thoughts, but now that i'm older it feels like i was so stupid. there's no point in dying. but is living like this even living? is there any point to anything i do? to wake up, study, eat, work, indulge in simple pleasures?