i envy ppl in love but im lazy

these days i've been feeling pretty lonely. I have kind friends but I think i've been starting to avoid them when i can. i feel like the more i hang out with them, the more they will dislike me and such. I think some of these feelings stem from feeling "abandoned" when my friends chose to be with their boyfriends every moment they can and when they can't (bc bf is busy), they come to me. I guess it's a bit childish and I usually do pretty well on my own because I'm not extroverted. sometimes even when I am with my friends in person, I get anxious & wish I could just go home because it feels like they are putting up with me. Is this normal to feel at times? Maybe this is some self confidence issue? I don't think I'm stupid or useless, but I'm really not that great either. My friends tell me I'm genuinely kind because I can sympathize with others well, and I just rely on their words as my self worth i think. I also had this exfriend who rlly broke my trust in friendships, so I think my emotions also stem from that. I have a good support system rn i think (compared to a lot of ppl), but i still don't feel that supported bc i don't want to ask for help again. It's hard to differentiate my depression thoughts to my real thoughts, but that is how i feel currently.

anyways, I've been having a lot of fun at home reading my cheesy romance manhwas. I envy people in love so much. To find someone who can support you, and you can trust them and support them too. Idk if it's bc of the glamour of "true love!" or because i want to hug a hot man lol but I really wish I can experience something like that in my life. I've never had a crush or anything, so I don't know how it feels to be in love romantically. Is there anything you guys would recommend me to do? I try my best to be observant of my emotions and feelings, tried therapy, and now I've been journaling to reflect, but I feel so lonely. I feel so lazy to connect, too (bc of my fear of being a burden and rejected. i would rather avoid relationships to avoid pain overall). I'm not sure if this is the best place to post and i didn't expect to write this much. also idk why my words are cut off when i click preview?? its my first time posting here. sorry for rambling. thank you for reading this much :)