I won't find love, not at this age

Love.

I'll be 100% honest. It's a foreign concept.

I know what it's like, or supposed to be like, but I haven't experienced it. I know how it feels to have butterflies in your chest, to actively look forward to a text message, or to have them in your dreams. I know it's a choice, rather than a feeling.

But people don't know that.

I know there are times where you have to try find the reason why you love them in the first place, why you thought the universe were in their eyes, why their voice makes you go "fuck yeah, you again!"

But I don't mourn when they leave. There's a pang in my chest when they say goodbye or they admit to being interested in someone else. But there's this quiet voice in the back of my head that says,

"Thank god you didn't fall in love with me."

I know I'll disappoint them. I know it because I crush on them, and I like them - but I don't love them. I'd rather be the one left, rather than the one leaving.

I've been in a relationship where I'd been romanticised so much, my ex got heavily depressed once I left. Never again. I'm not that great a person. I don't have what you need. So when I do enter a relationship, I'm careful I'll never be the one to leave.

I'm okay with it. That way, it isn't me that hurt them to begin with. What also softens the blow is that it's online... they don't truly know who I am...

But oddly enough, when they do leave, it's completely. I never speak to them again. Is it guilt? I'm a forgiving person, I'm not going to get angry... and although we'll never be the same, I can still talk to you as a friend.

Perhaps I don't know what love is like because I'm still young. People my age don't undergo the trials and tribulations of adulting, or find ways to persevere, or even have the funds to spice things up. There's only so much we can do. We're fickle. That's okay.

I know when I date, I'd be looking for a life partner. I don't WANT to be someone's ex, or someone's "past love" where something about each other just couldn't work out.

If I move abroad temporarily, I want to know they'll stay loyal. Because I would. I'd want them to look after themselves, to put themselves FIRST and put me SECOND because if they invest everything they have into a relationship with me, before I'm ready to, they'll come up short. I can't answer to every text immediately. I have a life to lead and a demanding family. I'd want them to have a part of their life I'm not in. Give them space.

But it seems anytime I do, they lose interest. That's why so many girls are clingy, why they're so possessive and afraid they'll be discarded. That's why I don't fall in love.

My solution is to find a partner when I'm in my late twenties. When I've settled down, when I'm stable and my chances of finding someone in a similar circumstance have exponentially increased.

It's a little sad, knowing I won't love for a long while. Maybe I'm being presumptuous. But really, what are the chances of finding someone that wants a future marriage partner at the age of 18?