Personal: Trans? Non Binary?

Don’t know where else to ask, I keep getting banned on Reddit which used to be my go-to. Some people recommended to me trans stories here and I enjoyed it, feel free to leave any more, even movies about it is great. I come from Chinese and Russian mix, both sides of my families are traditional and just…closed off. I mean to the extent they publicly shame anyone out of the ‘ordinary’, they hate gay people. I have never come out as bisexual, I enjoy reading BL more due to my repression. I still read straight ones too neither are disgusting to me.

What am I? Trans? Non binary? How do I go about this? I honestly hear a lot about transgender people being shamed, etc a lot of stigma basically and even death, but I never got in depth to look through about it. I don’t want to go through that.

I know non binary falls under the transgender umbrella but not all non binaries are trans, what does that mean exactly? Please educate me.

I have been feeling this way for a long time, since I was in middle school. I am now in college, I still identify biologically as a man. But I want to be and feel as a woman too, dressing in the woman gender role (though clothes have none, hence the gender ‘role’).

I’m not muscular or anything, and I don’t hate it, I enjoy cross dressing too in private. I was thinking of doing something called HRT (I looked it up and about my crisis right now). My goal is to remain in between, androgynous so I can hop back and forth if that makes sense? I don’t know how to talk about it to the person providing HRT, I left my doctor after spilling how I felt, out of anxiety. Will the person providing HRT accept my reasoning? Isn’t it just for those going ftm or mtf?

Almost a year without seeing a doctor.

I know this sounds strange, but that’s probably because I find it strange, it’s not welcome in my culture at all. I don’t feel well or safe being open about this, is it okay not to? I feel more comfortable identifying as a man, but I still wish to be PERCEIVED as androgynous or woman alone. And I do have a small support group, I have told my close friends about it.