I have this bad habit of ignoring everyone, not responding and just isolating myself from everyone when I'm feeling mentally unwell (it's toxic, I know). After ignoring them for a few days, I feel worried that if I reply to them now that they would feel angry towards me, so I just keep ignoring them till months pass... Currently, I haven't contacted most people for months, including a good friend who has always told me that I could message her anytime I wanted to when I feel like it again, that she was worried about me... But so much time has passed now that I don't have the courage to do it anymore and I don't even know what to text her... To be honest, I don't understand why I keep doing this shit and I want to change it because it's just not fair to the people around me, but I don't know how...
I am this kind of friend too. I have cut off contact with people in the past because I'm too afraid that they'll find out that the version of me i am right now is more pathetic than the one they know or expected me to be. I still do this but now i do it when I find out I can't keep a convo w them and I'm like ill text them later but then I procrastinate because that's all I do. Anyway I hope you find a solution to this, good luck
Thanks for your replies, guys. I'll think about what exactly to write in my message this week and then get back in touch...if I get no response, I'll accept that too.
I don't ordinarily comment on forums, but I've been deconstructing this exact issue with my therapist recently and perhaps some of their advice to me would be of use to you. Obviously, everyone's life circumstances and mental conditions vary from person to person. There could be many things making you self-isolate and the solution for me may not be the solution for you.
From my personal understanding, ghosting is a cycle rooted in anxiety and self-hate. I mythologize expectations that other people might have of me as a person or friend, regardless of their own true opinions, and the idea of not meeting those expectations makes me anxious. I'd think 'I'm not good enough' or 'they will be upset', so I'd not talk to them— I made it so they couldn't be upset at me directly because I'd never confront it. Its a self fulfilling prophecy that ends in hurt feelings and reifies negative self talk.
The first way to step out of that cycle is to be kinder to yourself. Habits are breakable and relationships are not always unmendable. Evidently, you don't act this way out of a lack of care. You aren't a bad person. You're struggling, for whatever reason that may be, and the best thing you can do is explain that. Honesty is step two. Be honest with your friend and tell her what happened. She may not forgive you, but thats ok. Negative feelings and upsetting people isn't the end-all for you (your sense of self) or your friendships. You can grow. You can be a better person. It takes a lot of time and work, but if you are willing to show that you are interested in doing the work to communicate and let people know when you are feeling like you need to isolate— then thats enough to start.
Woah!!! Iam in the same exact situation. Like i ignored everyone from acquaintance to my best friend. Although i feel guilty and scared ignored my best friend will hurt her but still i just don't know hy i do it . Like i think about reaching out and all but then i don't have anything to say. Except saying sorry which it is not sincere because if not for the fact of hurting them and might break up our friendship i wouldn't reach out . At the same time i just don't know why i feel that way . I love them of course but that it is. Iam being unfair to myself and my loved onse for not staying in contact . It is like i just don't have any feelings for them except feeling sorry and guilt. Idk how everything truned to become like that
i cannot give advice because I am this kind of friend. I do ignore people, even their intent is good. I feel guilty already with my choices. Idk maybe I am so used to being a loner
Hmmm…. I understand that you are coming from a good place. Maybe you are used to doing things yourself and much rather settle or handle your mental health first before being socially active. I totally understand that, but do remember that some of your friends or family around you may not understand why you decide to withdraw yourself and “ignore/ isolate” them as well as yourself. I would suggest that if you do feel the need to withdraw yourself once more maybe give them a head up - “Hey so I need some time alone, because I am feeling…. and I would like to process it myself if it’s fine with you. I will reach out to you once I have more or less processed it.”. This gives your loved ones context which I do think is helpful for you and them. When you do feel safer and more comfortable to share about your mental wellbeing with them, this will allow them to understand how they can better support you next time.
I hope this helps sorry for the huge chunk of information haha
Maybe talk to your friends and send every person a heartfelt text where u write how u feel rn and how much u are sorry for ignoring them ,talk about ur mental state,ask them how life is treating them and then ask to hang out, just be sure to say that u are trying to change also its okay to feel that way.I mean at the end of the day u are still human and u also have emotions and personal problems that not everybody will understand.and honestly atleast u feel guilty and know that what u did is toxic and shouldn't be done to people u love/like dont think to much about it and dont be embarrassed about what u did,u had reasons, just please explain ur friends what was going on and say u are trying to change.
Also very important its better for u to answer a few days later than a few months cuz that would be progresse and they would notice that u are trying!! Gl
Messages
I am this kind of friend too. I have cut off contact with people in the past because I'm too afraid that they'll find out that the version of me i am right now is more pathetic than the one they know or expected me to be. I still do this but now i do it when I find out I can't keep a convo w them and I'm like ill text them later but then I procrastinate because that's all I do. Anyway I hope you find a solution to this, good luck
Thanks for your replies, guys. I'll think about what exactly to write in my message this week and then get back in touch...if I get no response, I'll accept that too.
I don't ordinarily comment on forums, but I've been deconstructing this exact issue with my therapist recently and perhaps some of their advice to me would be of use to you. Obviously, everyone's life circumstances and mental conditions vary from person to person. There could be many things making you self-isolate and the solution for me may not be the solution for you.
From my personal understanding, ghosting is a cycle rooted in anxiety and self-hate. I mythologize expectations that other people might have of me as a person or friend, regardless of their own true opinions, and the idea of not meeting those expectations makes me anxious. I'd think 'I'm not good enough' or 'they will be upset', so I'd not talk to them— I made it so they couldn't be upset at me directly because I'd never confront it. Its a self fulfilling prophecy that ends in hurt feelings and reifies negative self talk.
The first way to step out of that cycle is to be kinder to yourself. Habits are breakable and relationships are not always unmendable. Evidently, you don't act this way out of a lack of care. You aren't a bad person. You're struggling, for whatever reason that may be, and the best thing you can do is explain that. Honesty is step two. Be honest with your friend and tell her what happened. She may not forgive you, but thats ok. Negative feelings and upsetting people isn't the end-all for you (your sense of self) or your friendships. You can grow. You can be a better person. It takes a lot of time and work, but if you are willing to show that you are interested in doing the work to communicate and let people know when you are feeling like you need to isolate— then thats enough to start.
Woah!!! Iam in the same exact situation. Like i ignored everyone from acquaintance to my best friend. Although i feel guilty and scared ignored my best friend will hurt her but still i just don't know hy i do it . Like i think about reaching out and all but then i don't have anything to say. Except saying sorry which it is not sincere because if not for the fact of hurting them and might break up our friendship i wouldn't reach out . At the same time i just don't know why i feel that way . I love them of course but that it is. Iam being unfair to myself and my loved onse for not staying in contact . It is like i just don't have any feelings for them except feeling sorry and guilt. Idk how everything truned to become like that
i cannot give advice because I am this kind of friend. I do ignore people, even their intent is good. I feel guilty already with my choices. Idk maybe I am so used to being a loner
Hmmm…. I understand that you are coming from a good place. Maybe you are used to doing things yourself and much rather settle or handle your mental health first before being socially active. I totally understand that, but do remember that some of your friends or family around you may not understand why you decide to withdraw yourself and “ignore/ isolate” them as well as yourself. I would suggest that if you do feel the need to withdraw yourself once more maybe give them a head up - “Hey so I need some time alone, because I am feeling…. and I would like to process it myself if it’s fine with you. I will reach out to you once I have more or less processed it.”. This gives your loved ones context which I do think is helpful for you and them. When you do feel safer and more comfortable to share about your mental wellbeing with them, this will allow them to understand how they can better support you next time.
I hope this helps sorry for the huge chunk of information haha
Maybe talk to your friends and send every person a heartfelt text where u write how u feel rn and how much u are sorry for ignoring them ,talk about ur mental state,ask them how life is treating them and then ask to hang out, just be sure to say that u are trying to change also its okay to feel that way.I mean at the end of the day u are still human and u also have emotions and personal problems that not everybody will understand.and honestly atleast u feel guilty and know that what u did is toxic and shouldn't be done to people u love/like dont think to much about it and dont be embarrassed about what u did,u had reasons, just please explain ur friends what was going on and say u are trying to change.
Also very important its better for u to answer a few days later than a few months cuz that would be progresse and they would notice that u are trying!! Gl