What do I do ??!!!

Okay fam this gonna be long
just hear me out please PLEASE!!!!

tho they were not that big of a big of a deal, I've been through my first share of shit in life - flights and disagreement with parents to the point they said they wanted to kill me
- having to spend the night at relatives becoz had a fight with them,
- having to give up my dream career
- been hated by every single person I know at one point
- betrayed by my best friend, who then claimed she never did (i know damn well she did)
- got SAed by 1st and only bf (basically jumped me the 1st time we were alone together in a room and didn't stop even tho i kept saying no) have been too sacred to have a bf since then

And this is NOT ME PLAYING VICTIM
the point is that - through all that I never thought of suicide (maybe that one time with the bf but never again), i just got over it like - it's fine, it happens, not my fault, it'll be okay, nothing worth killing myself over or even thinking about it, I just smiled my way through it all

I'm not a loner, have a whole lot of friends, have a good relationship with my parents (believe it or not)

And now after all this time SUDDENLY I FEEL LIKE KILLING MYSELF, no it's NOT THE MENSTRUAL CYCLE, cuz this been going on for quite some time.

I have lost all my appetite, lost my will to talk or hangout with people, have sudden break downs and panic attacks, spend most of my nights crying and sometimes I'm this close to just ending it all. The only thing stoping me is my belief that it's for the week and now even that is wavering

There is not even a particular trigger like WTF IS WRONG ??

SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT IS WRONG ??

Plus- I do have lot of people i could to but I can't, I won't. The last thing I wanna do is bitch about my suicidal tendencies to people as a grown ass adult