....

This is something i planned to take to my grave honestly. But i am writing it here anyway because why not, right?
I was touched by my older brother for years. Groping touching fondling everything except penetration. I was 8-10 years old i believe. It stopped when he went abroad. I did not remember any of this at all. A year before, my brother texted me apologizing for abusing me, saying he felt guilty, and he was institutionalized in a mental facility with severe depression. I told him i didnt remember any of it, and he said, 'you were just a kid and way too naive, your mind probably blocked it out'
And we have never talked about it since. But since then, randomly, i get pieces of memories of it all. And the worst part is, i used to giggle. I did not know this was bad- my mother never had the bad touch talk with me either. Maybe i liked the attention. But now i the more i recall, the more filthy i feel. I feel like a whore somehow.
Every friend i ever had ended up falling in love with me, maybe i manipulate people into liking myself? Is there a way to just...stop ? I dont knoe what im asking but, like, is there a way you can just stop thinking, stop feeling, stop hurting- just stop?