internalized homophobia or wtv you call it

i know this isn’t the place to open up about stuff like this but ive lowkey been struggling with this kind of mindset for a while and i know others may relate

it’s been a couple years since I realized the signs and I’ve been ignoring them for a while cuz i grew up in an extremely homophobic household. i really wanna deny being gay especially with my parents’ pressure of straight relationships. every time i joke about dating a girl (honestly curious abt their reaction as if it’ll ever change) they are definitely disappointed even if it’s a joke. i hate myself for thinking this way and wish i could change my sexuality so it’s not problem—when i feel love for a girl, i feel disgusted by myself and could legit picture my family’s hatred for my lover and me. literally everything would be better if i could just love the opposite gender. ive accepted there’s nothing i can do but this feeling of disgust lingers which is why im ignoring the signs even though I KNOW it’s ok to date a girl
anyone else struggling or struggled with this? how’d you cope cuz i know this mindset is hella unhealthy