Yeialo's question (16)

FEEL FREE TO SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCE, I would love to hear any struggles.

Very embarrassed to share, but this is the only website I can say something and get away with. My smut list is weird, that’s not even it, I have a document of porn plots with links (some are on b@to). It satisfies my curiosity and mind. All of my taboo smut, I have always been disgusted by in real life or after clarity. Weird how psychology works. I hate it but I get turned on by it, but the thought of it happening to someone or me is sickening. If it helps, I have never been in a relationship until a few months ago.

Honestly? TMI but some of my taste comes from personal trauma. It is unhealthy I know, but I don’t bother anyone. I do have a therapist now but I have never spoken of sexual dark fantasies, nor the fact I am bisexual.

I’m a guy, grew up more culturally in China than Russia or U.S. I have good friends, I grew up with older sisters who helped me find my love for cross dressing, and I have a girlfriend outside my ethnicity. More like a best friend, she is not into guys. I searched what the term would fit us, maybe Beard Relationship. My parents aren’t too fond of her, they make subtle comments on her skin tone and style, so I don’t bring my friends around them. She is my only support and I am one of her few support. We go shopping, car ride and music, we have a lot of fun embarrassing each other, and talking shit about the world. Occasionally our other friends would join us.

I haven’t been able to go out as much, my mom is sick and diagnosed with Kidney Disease not long ago, my dad is out and about, and more. I have great academic pressure to pass med. I heavily rely on reading BL or other stories (Greatest Estate Developer is my current laughter pill, fucking Lloyd and his expressions) for a little break.

Both sides of my family are very homophobic and narrow minded. I am closeted, I am horny, I am a virgin. Never tried meeting up with any men because I fear a hateful land, I fell for my own sex that bullied me throughout my first US education. I self studied a lot when I needed to make up for poor attendance. This account is mainly for BL reading. I have maybe a few straight porn comics, majority being man on man.

I hope b@to won’t be gone, a lot of the good smut is there. And for anyone a bit concerned, I am very self aware and I won’t be a loser forever. My parents are getting old, they are in their 60s, had me in their early 40s, someday they would have their funeral thinking I carried on their bloodline (Not a complete lie. I really will if my future partner I love is a woman).

https://www.mangago.me/home/mangatopic/20909127/?cid=20986541#respond

Do people seriously think reading it means you condone it? miss moral police Clara was reading Hatsukoi Big Honey.

Now I see why some people hate performative puritans so much.

BL Title: Not Bad

I would really love a novel with their dynamic.
No cold top, or broke bottom.
I want like this where the bottom is equally an ass but weak with top.

Ch 5 shows a lot of their dynamic. Read ch 5 and ch 17 latest, the difference but the anger still being there is just delicious.

I’m tired of tops chasing after bottoms.
I want rich bottoms chasing after broke tops/tops in general.
Even better if both are assholes, and rich bottom is tsundere-like.

I’m bored and want to write a story. I tend to read a lot of novels like ORV (just had to mention it instead of Korean novels), many taboo and fluff danmei, a few dark Japanese novels, LOTM currently, etc.

My writing style picks up from what I read.

I want you to suggest a story idea. In fact it does not have to be a BL, can be anything really.

I was mainly going to post on AO3 but someone suggested Wattpad as it’s easier to navigate for them.

Thanks!

This is probably not the right place to ask, but I keep getting banned on Reddit because my old Reddit account got banned, I made another and got banned, the reason I got banned in first place was due to making irrelevant posts I believe.

So I have never really listened to rap in any language. I mean I have listened but never was a fan. Then I came across Kendrick…I really like that type of flow and the way he speeds up in some parts (“—walk around like teezo” in Not like us).

Any artists like this?

Any tips/advice? Feel free to share your experiences, I’m sure it would help me understand how it’s like..

I will update after I go. We plan to go tonight. After some support from people, I felt a bit more confident and told my friend that we can go to a gay bar. She is lesbian, we have a beard relationship (all consensual) but only for public, had asked me to go to a bar when I turned 21 last month and I was too nervous. I have never gone to any bars, especially gay bar. It will also be my first time drinking. It will be her, me, and a few of her other friends.

For context: https://www.mangago.me/thing/about/891451/?filter=date#about_891457

I was asking her a bunch of questions: I’m bisexual, do they allow me? (Dumb question LOL) Is it for both gay women and men or mostly men?

She told me the specific bar in mind is open to both, and it’s more accepting of anyone LGBTQ+, be it half or fully.

I could never do this back in China… well either ways I was a minor at the time. But I heard from peers there that some bars had to hide the gay part, they would be discreet about it, and sometimes relocate or something due to annoying authorities. Funny because some ‘higher ups’ are involved in the bars they hate so much (said by my other friend’s auntie who both live in China, it’s one reason some bars can be protected although it isn’t long term / not common, not an immunity). It is really location dependent, how big cities is etc. It’s not as open as here in the US it seems. I’m glad my parents decided to move here.

Heart wrenching words I have heard.

One being from Ten Years I Loved You the Most: (It’ll make sense and hit hard after reading) “Let’s go home after school today.”

Stupid guy, how can he hurt MC…I will never forget. I even cried at the stupid guy’s final letter before he followed MC years later.

Another one: “I know you don’t love me, but if I wait, will you love me one day?” (Not from anything I think, but it came to mind and I felt sad.)

Is it gone forever? Any existing links so I can at least copy my saved list there. My smut…!!!!
That’s it, I’m putting everything on my spreadsheet from now on. I only have some good comics and novels listed on spread sheet, but now I’ll make one for smut.

B@to was one of my haven, one of my escapes. Any GREAT OR GOOD (no lower) alternatives to it?

Save piracy

Make a genuine wish.
If you troll, may your life be a 50/50.

Jesus', what did I read… please recommend me some fluff or heartwarming BL, something like Our Sunny Days. Novels or comics are welcomed.


**BE WARNED. Words are disgusting**




I haven’t read anything that intense since metamorphosis which was years ago.

I came across one with a predator man who did nasty things to a guy, and something, then the man burned the guy’s ass out of punishment and…yeah. No limbs like hands or feet. The guy eventually had Stockholm syndrome, broken.

And then I read one with pigs or whoever breeding a Prince guy or something. The Prince had babies, hybrids. His brother came to rescue I believe, I remember Prince’s brother came to rescue, killed the Prince to save his dignity and killed the babies as well.

And another horrifying one with just the most pure vile shit you can think of. An immortal girl who cannot die and kept being used, burnt etc, blender…

Jeezus. I told myself not to, but I couldn’t stop

I need novel where ML does cheat or something just hurtful and MC does not put up with his Bull shit, and ends up with the 2nd ML. Dog blood, raw, face slap. MUST BE HE with 2nd ML. Fuck this shit I’m so upset.

Title: Gazes at the Scene of Debauchery (this shit intensified my hate for cheaters, it makes me think non stop and I hate it)

ML cheated on MC multiple times and had many lovers (sexual). Both have been together for 12 years.

I still don’t get, in Gazes at the Scene of Debauchery why ML/Yan Han defended the bakery dude so seriously when MC was jokingly teasing the bakery dude. This was after ML said he wouldn’t cheat anymore and how he loves MC, and he did stop sleeping with others. Bakery dude liked the ML, and MC could see it.

Later, MC had lied to ML about being at an art gallery when he was actually with Bai (I think they had sex?) who liked MC. And ML thought he cheated, so ML fucked the bakery dude. MC heard it all when coming back. ML came downstairs. MC broke it off. Then ML said yes so casually. He pissed me off!! Then later after bringing MC back, ML had the audacity to have his side piece bakery dude comfort MC, and the bakery dude was like: He doesn’t love me, he loves you. He treated me roughly, out of anger, etc…some bull shit.

About LOTM, let me know how long it actually is and how heavily info packed it is. I want to buy the physical copies too if any, and what site online I should order from? I’m single, good money, no life really.

Wish me luck, I’m going to read Lord of the Mysteries. I couldn’t be satisfied with many of the reactors “reaction” to it, so now I’m going on LOTM journey and dissecting info as I do. Someone told me it is over 1000 chapters, oh dear hell…I am consensually walking onto this path.

The most I read in a novel is max 500.
I started out watching LOTM as anime only, but found out more about LOTM through media. The lore is so interesting. It was hard to understand at first but I went back, re watched, connected 2 + 2 together, then came understanding of basics.

I do like novels better than anime usually or comics, so it shouldn’t be impossible.

This involves sensitive topic. I genuinely wish to hear different perspectives, no matter if bad or good. Be honest.

Let’s just say you were an abuser, always wanting the person you liked throughout grade school to be yours, even hurting them with the words of ‘property’, etc. You genuinely love them, but you do not show that properly, you are a piece of shit that should probably rot.

What if your supposed beloved wanted to escape from you, and due to self-incident as the method, became diagnosed with Retrograde Amnesia? Meaning they cannot remember what happened before the incident, but they may remember only the good first year they met you?

They want to become closer with you, and they tell you:

They reached up and touched your cheek, their thumb stroking just below your eye. “I look at you, and I feel… safe. And warm. But I don’t remember the love you gave me. I’m sorry.” His expression crumpled with genuine, but kind regret. “I hope, one day, I remember your love. I don’t want you to have loved someone who can’t remember it.”

They want to remember your love, the love that wasn’t there, would you let them go or try to fix your “mistakes”?

Okay, so the bar thing didn’t go well.
I was too stuck with my friends to even initiate a talk with anyone else, I seemed closed off too.

I’m staying a virgin for life.

I did have my first alcohol though! It was called something about cream and alcohol?? Idk. friends ordered for me.

I learned I’m not that good with alcohol, couldn’t even take another.

Currently up and eating cereal, I regret getting honey oat. I should have gotten Cheerios, the best.

So I am done reading manhwa Night Song BL.

I can’t wait any more. Does anyone know stories like this where the MC is the top and is like a demon and falls for human ML? Please…novels work!!!

Don’t know where else to ask, I keep getting banned on Reddit which used to be my go-to. Some people recommended to me trans stories here and I enjoyed it, feel free to leave any more, even movies about it is great. I come from Chinese and Russian mix, both sides of my families are traditional and just…closed off. I mean to the extent they publicly shame anyone out of the ‘ordinary’, they hate gay people. I have never come out as bisexual, I enjoy reading BL more due to my repression. I still read straight ones too neither are disgusting to me.

What am I? Trans? Non binary? How do I go about this? I honestly hear a lot about transgender people being shamed, etc a lot of stigma basically and even death, but I never got in depth to look through about it. I don’t want to go through that.

I know non binary falls under the transgender umbrella but not all non binaries are trans, what does that mean exactly? Please educate me.

I have been feeling this way for a long time, since I was in middle school. I am now in college, I still identify biologically as a man. But I want to be and feel as a woman too, dressing in the woman gender role (though clothes have none, hence the gender ‘role’).

I’m not muscular or anything, and I don’t hate it, I enjoy cross dressing too in private. I was thinking of doing something called HRT (I looked it up and about my crisis right now). My goal is to remain in between, androgynous so I can hop back and forth if that makes sense? I don’t know how to talk about it to the person providing HRT, I left my doctor after spilling how I felt, out of anxiety. Will the person providing HRT accept my reasoning? Isn’t it just for those going ftm or mtf?

Almost a year without seeing a doctor.

I know this sounds strange, but that’s probably because I find it strange, it’s not welcome in my culture at all. I don’t feel well or safe being open about this, is it okay not to? I feel more comfortable identifying as a man, but I still wish to be PERCEIVED as androgynous or woman alone. And I do have a small support group, I have told my close friends about it.