Lilypad's Things

What is your favourite bl or yaoi which you think should get more attention?

I read it acouple years ago before I made an account. Im pretty sure it was a manhua and it was about this guy who likes to cross dress but his girlfriend doesnt like it so she breaks up with him. He thinks he has to get more manlike so he goes to a shop to get like boy clothes and the ml works there or just helps out there and he sometimes pretends to be a mannequin

So sick of going to school and having to be around people where I cant tell if they like me half the time. Always felt like abit of an outsider my whole life anyways but holy fuck, this is just a new level. I know like two of them who i know are alright with me. Ive tried and tried to connect with them and it just isn't happening. Im not expecting us to be best buds, just dont want to feel left out and just be standing around during conversations.

I also lost a good friend of several years bc they didnt like my personality (valid. I dont expect everyone to like me.) But it made having to be around her (mutual friends)and having to interact with her makes me spiral alittle bit because if she didnt like me and was just pretending (albeit very badly) for months, what about everyone else.

Its also making me have like 'bad' thoughts, which aren't like really anything violent its more stuff I think in reactions to what she's said or about appearance. Which I dont like and I try to shut down whenever I think it but it just keeps happening. Makes me feel like a bad person bc its rude stuff I wouldn't think about others and wouldn't want others to think about me, it makes me feel icky.

I dont think ive ever been this bad mentally like this. Im like slowly coming out of this but god??? I really really miss my old friends at my other school. Wouldn't go back bc this school's workload is better for me and it has more resources but fuck man. I literally dont know why its affecting me so much because im not even planning on talking to most of them after this year anyways. I dont really dislike any of them its just we are too different like lifestyle (?) Wise, they drink alot, vape, and smoke and the way we think too.

Im going through and deleting video and photos off my socials and throwing away pictures and items ive gotten from them and oh my god i feel like a sack of shit. I dislike (?) them now but they were literally my best friend for years. I still have a lot of confusing feelings and it sucks. I dont ever want to change myself for someone but thinking back on what we had makes me want to. I would never though. Especially because i havent done anything wrong. I just miss those times.

Alot of hurt, anger and sadness is just piling up and idk what to do with it. I cant talk to my friends about it bc I dont like one on one venting and the groupchat we have one of my friends is still friends with her. I dont want to give her any pressure or something like that where she feels like she has to choose, thats just shitty. I just threw away a hug shirt we did and it made me want to bawl my eyes out. I genuinely was just being true self and speaking out about what I like and not sitting there quietly. I know there's nothing wrong with me it just makes me feel like there is. I wouldn't have stayed friends with her anyways after this year (same school) because we were becoming too different and the way she speaks about people is something I dont agree with. I dont know why it hurts this much. I was literally fine with us drifting apart.

Well irrationally angry doesnt really match but I cant think of another word to describe it. I find myself getting angry and annoyed thinking about/seeing someone I used to be friends with. We had been friends for years and up until this year, maybe like late last year things were fine. I noticed they were becoming quite short with me, not really responding to me or cutting me off when speaking sometimes. They had this tone with me and their body language just really made it seem like they disliked me.

I talked to them about it over text and they said they just didnt like the way I acted bc I acted like another one of my friends they dislike bc she's 'cringe'. Everytime I think about our friendship and the way I was treated towards the end makes me so mad. Like I was literally there for nearly EVERYTHING. I was fine with us drifting apart bc we are becoming different people and dont really share alot of the same views anyways. But thinking about how they couldn't just be nice even if they dislike how I speak or express myself is sooo fucking infuriating.

I was literally there when she was a DSMP fan! I was there for when she cosplayed them! I thought it was a bit weird but I wasnt fucking mean! I was literally there and supporting her that whole time when she was getting bullied. I just dont get how she could be like that to me. It makes me resent her and hate everything she does. And I dont want to be this way, but I just cant stop feeling it.

It makes me feel nuts bc its sometimes just her presence which makes me feel angry (same friendgroup and in the same classes, cant really not see her until the years over.) It makes me think really mean things about her and I dont want to think them. Bc thats not who I think I am but the thoughts are just there. I try my best to act normal and be nice when we do interact but sometimes I think it comes through alittle bit in my tone or my words.

Idk what to do, I dont want to become mean and have these bad thoughts. It makes me feel like im a bad person but I literally can't stop them.