Did you ever hurt yourself intentionally? Did you enjoy it?

I'm not depressed and I don't think I'm all that emotional, but when I actively hate myself it somehow feels good and safe. When I tremble with rage, insult myself and hit myself, that's when I like myself the most. I've never cut or anything, I don't want to leave permanent scars, but I like leaving huge bruises, seeing them and pressing on them so it hurts. And if I'm calm and happy with my self for prolonged period of time it somehow feels a bit disgusting and unclean compared to when it hurts. Just a bit tho. How weird is that?