This is really personal

I really never wanted to do this online, but I need to get this shit off my chest, and I'm being 100 percent serious, so I need everyone to just be empathetic and not call me stupid for "turning to the internet for a sensitive topic". Therapy is fucking expensive and I'm not asking anybody to fix me or anything. Also, I wanted to do this anonymously, nobody on here knows me irl.

TW: sexual abuse, COCSA (child on child sexual assault)

I was sexually abused for a few years, from kindergarten until 2nd/3rd grade in elementary, by my older half-sister (same father). She was 6 years older than me, putting her in middle school for most of the abuse.

I only remember bits and pieces, and it wasn't until last year that I realized that it was cocsa and not incest that occurred between me and my sister. For a huge part of my life, I was ashamed and embarrassed because I thought that I was a bad person for doing those things with my sister. Like, I knew what happened, but it just never occured to me that she was in the wrong, so now a whole new set of problems came into my life.

I spiraled into a deep depression after realizing that fact, and I've been going no contact with my sister for about half a year now. I've been doing better, but now some burried memories pop up every now and then, and I get depressed all over again.

I've been trying to tell my mother about everything, but when I did a "trial run" with my younger sister, it kind of discouraged me a bit. About a few weeks after I told my younger sister everything, my abuser contacted me (this was before the no contact) that she was pregnant. My whole world stopped. I swear to god, I felt so frustrated and honestly betrayed when my abuser told me that. It was like, how dare she be happy when I'm suffering because of her.

And I vented to my younger sister about how it made me feel, and you know what she responded with? "Honesty, I forgot you even told me about that." I understand it was wrong of me to vent to my younger sister like that, I mean, she's not my therapist, but god, I wanted to cry. I just felt so dejected. I felt like she didn't even see how this affected me so. I completely shut down after that.

And since then, I haven't been able to talk to my mom about it. I just have this intense fear that she's going to dismiss me like my younger sister did. Like she and my father did when they caught my sister on top of me and decided that it was just incest. Like my older brother did when he caught my sister touching me under the bed and just looked the other way. I mean, christ, there would have been signs that I wasn't okay during my childhood. My mother worked while my dad was out doing god knows what. My abuser was the oldest, and I was the youngest for a long time before my younger sister came along. I must have been easy for her.z