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consensual but was it actually?
i am friends with a guy who’s 4 years older than me who is pursuing graduate studies and i am an undergrad.
we met through a club and second semester we realized he was my ta for a class last semester. we grew super close super quick but we never wanted to date each other. we text each other on a daily basis with good morning and goodnight texts.
friends would make fun of us for hanging out but we found some comfort in each other.
he wanted to set boundaries because he got scared of rumours but we didn’t and we stayed close friends. he was there for me when i needed help when i started meds and then he said he doesn’t want me to be emotional dependant on him.
we continue being friends and lines started to be crossed. touchy and close and then one day i’m sitting on him and there’s sexual tension. i asked if i could kiss him and he said no which i respected but everything else was fine. everything else was on the table but not the one thing i wanted.
we hooked up consensually and halfway through i was tired and wanted to stop but he said ‘we aren’t quitters, you have to come’. i faked it to get out of the situation but its making me feel gross and shitty for thinking that it was assault even though i consented.
he claimed there was never a power dynamic involved but it really felt like there was.
Please remember that you can withdraw consent at any time. You were raped. You don't have to fight you don't have to scream you just have to say you want to stop. I'm so sorry that happened to you. From experience I know it's tempting to deny it and try to excuse it because it's so hard to face it and admit you were raped. It's a very difficult thi...... reply
no!! consent can be withdrawn ANY time, if you said you didn't want to do it anymore even if you initially said yes, he should've stopped, especially considering he's older than you. it's something that was heavily stressed by my teachers when teaching us about consent, and it's something that sources online agree about as well. what he did WAS ass...... reply
While still relevant, your age, power dinamic or enthusiasm should not be the deciders in this situation. The facts still are that you said no and he didn't listen.
I want you to know that, at the very least what he did is wrong and shows that he doesn't respect you. You are valid to feel assaulted and I am sorry this happened to you...
I can't ...... reply
That is assault. And I'm so sorry, it sucks so much I know. You got to cut him off. He doesn't respect your boundaries and consent, and no matter how nice he was in the beginning, it's no excuse. And remember you can always choose to revoke consent, even in the middle of it. reply
regardless of everything else, in the moment, he had physical (close, intimate contact, in a vulnerable position) and emotional leverage (you didn't want to disappoint or "lead him on") over you to get what he wanted despite your wishes.
consent is ongoing and revocable. if person A and person B agree to do actions 1, 2 and 3, that does not mean ...... reply
There's a very clear power dynamic here, he's older and knows what he's doing, he sounds like he wanted to pursue you into sexual stuff, but didn't want anything deeper that's why he said no kissing cus he didn't want you to get clingy and think there's more to it, when it happened, in his head he hit the jackpot, that's why when you wanted to stop...... reply
There was an unequal balance of influence and control, which lead to coercion (you said "no stop" and he didn't respect it thinking he had authority and control over your feelings and decision) so clearly there was a power dynamics involved. I sincerely hope you well, nobody deserves to go through that. reply
