FuckedMyWayUpToTheTop

What an exciting plot! The suspense, the twists, the hints making you second guess what the truth is up until the story slowly reveals it - all of it made it a great reading experience. The author was able to capture the thrill of escaping, as they put it, very well. Not just the thrill, but this painfully twisted obsession, that type of codependent attachment truly living in between love and hate, born out of rusty feelings, guilt, fear, and lust for revenge. It's the perfect mix for delicious angst!

It really is an escape into oblivion as the MC had to completely deconstruct everything to process his trauma, and ultimately his feelings for the ML. Not just that, I think with how obsessive the ML is, ending up with him could mean the MC' final destruction or forgetting himself and his identity, letting himself go as he succumbs to the sweet, loving control of the ML. I think it would've been an even darker story if the author went with their original script and made the ML the killer of MC' childhood best friend, but then it would've been some sort of truly dark trauma bond, it would've been more difficult to pull off imo. I think it's just as touching to have the ML be the childhood friend MC left behind as it creates for a complex foundation of their relationship - the MC experiencing such intense guilt painted in the colors of trauma as he witnessed his sister's suicide on that same day, gnawing at him as he tries to escape from that guilt, while through escaping, hoping for his first love to chase after him, find him, and hold onto him. As he said, he doesn't know what to do - he wants to escape, but wants to be held onto, just to escape again, which sounds like PTSD, like he relives the same cycle with no conclusion. He relives that dynamic with everyone he gets involved with as he hasn't processed what happened back then, while this indicates the ML has always been engraved in his heart, again, through a mix of true love, and trauma. The anticipation was always there, but the waiting would've been too painful, so escaping was easier, staying on the move. When the ML finally "caught him" and made him want to stay, was MC at peace, because that was the conclusion he wanted to experience as a child when he left behind his friend to die. MC wanted something or someone, through their actions, to calm his consciousness, to confirm to him that he won't be left behind as he didn't leave anyone to die, erasing the guilt. But said guilt can't be erased, the MC had to live with the consequences of his own cowardice. The ML reminded him of that, but it turned out to be his salvation at the end.

Now, I can't imagine how painful it must've been for the ML to give so many chances. What I can imagine is the fact he was starting to experience the same feelings he did back then as a child during his plot for revenge, making it that more painful when he witnessed the MC testing him by escaping and playing by the rules of his own trauma. Without even wanting to, through the circumstances, he was able to punish the MC however, which ultimately brought them back together.

The author wrote that exact bpd-like push and pull dynamic of the thrill of testing your partner, escaping, waiting to be chased, and then going back so well I was surprised they felt limited by their lack of experience with that. Also, "Let Me In" mentioned, the MC has great taste in movies!