I need to put this date in the calendar as a holiday named SAGE. You blessed us thank you
204
Heejae, I hope your pond will become deeper enough to finally launch at least one Garam fish there.
People around them keep saying that Garam became colder. But it seems to me that Garam matured and found support in himself and his music. Only Heejae tells him that he gets prettier and prettier. It's not the first time. Maybe it's just his dirty talk but I guess Heejae sees that he got stronger and confident like a musician. And he really proud of him so much
I know what you mean, he's just matured and found his own footing. What he did at the rehearsals was justified, was he supposed to just accept compton and the orchestra's treatment? Everyone always seem misjudge him just because he's with Heejae. He's still his own person :'(
Hatred is seductive. It wraps itself in the guise of strength, offering a false sense of security to those who feel powerless. In general, hatred is a defensive reaction of the psyche—a brittle armor donned to protect a wound too tender to touch. Compton’s hatred shields something far more fragile: pure affection, love, and the desperate desire to be significant. That colossal core, overgrown with a shell of rage and contempt, becomes both his engine and his poison. It fuels his every move forward, yet it slowly poisons him to the very end.
Compton has built an empire on this hatred. All the praise from others, no matter how lavish, cannot compare to the praise of that one person who belongs to that primal core. Every accolade from the outside feels wrong, not quite right, because it misses the mark of the only approval that ever mattered.
Compton wanted to leave his teacher, but deep down, he longed for his return. In chasing escape, he became a mirror image of the man he resents. Your sincere desire, once upon a time, was to become worthy of him.
Now, Compton sees Garam as an extension of the teacher—the closest person to him, the living echo of that unresolved relationship. He wants from Garam exactly what he wanted from his teacher: recognition, understanding, validation. He surrounds himself with the adoration of orchestra members and basks in superficial devotion, but none of it satisfies the hunger at his core. Garam is not merely a comrade; he has become a glimmer of light in the black hole in Compton’s chest. Compton craves Garam’s acknowledgment as the one person who can truly comprehend his predicament. You grab him because Garam’s sound reminded you that your hatred is nothing more than a facade, and the sacred image of the teacher and his first protege will forever remain in your memories full of flowers. You don’t want to face the truth. You’ve buried it so deeply that you can’t admit it to yourself.
Garam is the priest you can confess to. He is the shepherd who drives the hapless sheep toward enlightenment, toward the music of the divine. He is the judge who stands ready to forgive you and take you back—even for the crime of betraying music itself.
Compton, you are a sheep in wolf’s clothing. Beneath the snarl and the commanding presence is a timid child abandoned by his parent. You are a young dreamer who still wants a pat on the head from his mentor. You want to become worthy. Your hatred is all-consuming, yes, but it is also self-consuming. It burns bright and hot, yet leaves only ashes in its wake.
So, did love win? Love did not triumph in grand gestures or reconciliations. But it survived—hidden, buried, warped—inside the very hatred that sought to annihilate it. Love is the reason Compton still cares about recognition. Love is why Garam’s opinion cuts so important. Love is the ghost that haunts every angry note his orchestra plays. Hatred may have built the fortress, but love is the prisoner inside—and that prisoner has never stopped hoping. And at least, love is the music. I will never stop reminding you of the teacher's words to Heejae: only a heart full of love can create good music
I want to finish with one phrase, because I think she is very suitable: «If you didn’t have a bike as a child, and then you grew up and bought one yourself, you still didn’t have a bike as a child».
No achievement, no revenge, no orchestra, no applause can rewrite the past. Compton can conquer the world, but he cannot conquer the absence of what he never received. He can achive his acknowledge, but the child inside him will always remember the cold heart.
And that child—not the shepherd, not the conductor, not the warrior—is the one who still waits for a nod, a word, a hand on the shoulder. Until he learns to give that to himself, hatred will remain his professor, and love will remain his unspoken prayer. He needs peace. He needs his field of flowers.
my bloody magnum opus
"He surrounds himself with the adoration of orchestra members and basks in superficial devotion, but none of it satisfies the hunger at his core." definitely agree!! i also agree that inside compton is probably timid and just wants to be at peace. if he can sublimate all these feelings and reach a new ground he'll end up a much nicer person. however, as you said hatred is seductive and it can be very hard to release, especially when it's what one has built their identity and sense of self on.
i slightly disagree on what he needs ultimately, but it's a small thing :) you said that until he learns to give himself the acknowledgment he's been waiting for he'll remain stuck in hatred. but if it's true that buying yourself a bike doesn't mean you were given one as a child, giving himself the approval he's been craving also won't be enough to completely resolve the hole inside him. what will do so if he can accept the truth that he wasn't as special as he wanted to be to the professor, that he can forgive himself (and maybe the professor too) for not living up to his expectations. as buddhism teaches: expectations are the root of suffering. only by letting go of our preconceived notions of ourselves and others can we release ourselves from the pain of life. <3
Yes, of course, I could have expressed myself confusingly. I'm still trying to collect all the thoughts in my head even after a huge shitpost hahah
Damn. No words. Just taking it in.
Outstanding analysis! Especially “hatred is seductive!” Omg! I will now carry this forever! I think a lot like this in regard to violence but I digress, that is a completely different conversation!:)
Much like you stated, I hope that Compton allows himself to /feel/, to let his “field of flowers” bloom instead of setting them on fire. At the end of the day, this is what he is most afraid of and what most needs to happen before he is able to come to acceptance and thus be finally free.
Although, truthfully, my opinion is that none of them (the students before Garam) want to be fully free of Heejae. I think Crueger is the closest to fully being free, as in accepting what Heejae did and moving forward with it rather than wallowing in it. But I think they’re all afraid of standing fully on their own and no longer being able to fall back on the comfortable excuse that is being Heejae’s student. Because then there is no excuse for the pain they feel, the emotions they feel about music and about Heejae, and also the way they treat others.
Compton especially would have to come to terms with his wickedness and his manipulations. He would have to look at music head on with his small, tender tendril of a heart. He would still be a sword, but one that was once broken and forged once again. These swords tend to be stronger because they must go through the heat of being made again, but we can only hope that Compton understands this rather than turns away from it. Otherwise, he will never be able to even approach the realm of acceptance from Heejae. I think they all believe they love him too much in this sad, twisted way, yet the reality is they don’t. If they did, they would know that moving forward with what he gave them and turning it into their own vision would be the highest form of love for him. But they prefer to dwell in the shadows of the tempest of their pain.
The past cannot be rewritten, and I do not absolve Heejae of anything, but at some point there will be a crossroad in the path. It can either take you backward into a loop of the same journey, or you can finally turn the corner to something different, something new. We can only hope what Garam has shown Compton in this concerto, what Compton has finally opened his eyes to, will nudge him at least a step towards realization of what he can be, and how Heejae can be carried without the anvil of anguish. The pain will always be there, but maybe it will finally be free to tangle with the love as well. Much like Clarin said, “a Rachmaninoff where intensity and delicacy coexisted perfectly.”
"If you didn’t have a bike as a child, and then you grew up and bought one yourself, you still didn’t have a bike as a child" is such a fitting way to describe compton. the wounds and scars from when we were young don't just go away. and that's why i can never dislike him. he's just so human. thank you for your analysis!
- 190
For Heejae and Garam, Rachmaninov's concert is their story of love and feelings. For Compton - It's a slaughter.
Oh man, do you really still putting music on pedestal above everything else in the world? You're drunk on love and you're not even trying to hide it! Untitled 2 played throughout the day (chapter 186). From the very beginning. From the long sleep in familiar place, the awakening, the morning conversation, the touching hands in the museum where Garam's long journey began and which Heeje introduced him to. His embrace, his intimacy, and, ultimately, his complex and overwhelming love. Heejae's feelings took over and dominated his music.
We were shown Garam's ecstasy, how he was overwhelmed by playing with the orchestra. After all, at that moment, everyone wants to achieve the same goal—to reach heavenly music. We were shown Garam literally laid Heejae’s soul bare without even realizing it. All his feelings were on display, but only the two of them could understand it. Garam, surrounded by his feelings for Heeje. His anger, his storm, his confusion. This untamed ocean, which held within itself years of grief and loss, is covered with a blanket of vines and lotuses. They take root in this ocean, go deeper, touching his very core and soothing it.
This is no longer just a concert - it's their story.
Heejae's composition exudes tenderness and envelops him in calm happiness, like lotuses that Garam has nurtured within his soul. It is the purest declaration of love. Garam is his calm, his peace, his warmth, his home. This is the haven where his music now blossoms, so tender and delicate.
They shared one soul in two. One so kind and accepting the storm to calm it, and the other so unbridled, allowing itself to be tamed and letting someone in.
I feel like a complete idiot because I can see the shitstorm coming, but I still want to enjoy this moment while I can.
It says in the end of chapter 186 that the link to “Heejae-Kim–No title 2” will be in the end, has someone found it maybe?
I read the raws, what shitstorm exactly I don’t remember anything will happen, or is it about compton after he finds out about their relationship
Keke, I wouldn't call it a shitstorm; Compton was acting like a jealous girlfriend. Even the shitstorm is a moment I enjoyed.
I thought I missed on something that happened between heejae and garam because as much as I remember nothing happened between them
182
Heejae you are so hungry and charming. Sloppy and homely. I like the emphasis on the gentle warmth that Garam feels. These panels echo those when Heejae admitted that he wanted to pamper Garam.
From heart to heart. With these hands, he writes music for you with all his heart and then hugs you greedily.
I want to stay in this moment.
And I also really like all the panels with Compton and sheep. It's always done so brilliantly (like everything else haha)
179 just thoughts
It seems to me that there is a lot of deep loneliness and loss in Comptom's words. He considers his colleagues a herd that will lead them to a light. Does he see this light himself? His passion is like a small flashlight in a huge dark ocean of rage and desire to be heard.
Bastard Jae will never change. And I hate that, like Garam, I want to continue to see only his good side.
Beautiful
177 It seems to me that this chapter dictated the main difference between the attitude of Compton and Garam.«MY PIANO IS NOT HATRED FOR WHAT CAUSED ME PAIN» Compton's piano hates its pain.
Then just thoughts:
I like that Garam’s music is imbued with love for Heejae. Garam was the only one who didn't listen to Heejae's advice. He alone carried his purity through his vague rage. He tried to hate like everyone else, but he couldn't. Good music is born from a heart filled with love. Garam had always loved. Tenderly, inexperiencedly, but he loved. He sought comfort and embrace. And in the end Garam saw a lonely man who deep down yearned for spiritual intimacy but feared it.
I wonder if the author will repeat the scene when Garam wanted to leave, but Heejae stopped him seeing the back of the ex manager.
Will it be Garam's back now? And Heejae won't stop him?