Tried To Kill Yourself

So when i was 5 or 6 i was terrified and bad at mathematics because my dad often beated me up and insulted me when i had a bad grade or didn't understand for my mum , she slapped me, insulted me, really terrified me if i had less than a 16 out of 20 i really was sad because of them, envied other people with parents that didn't care about their grades. i was insecure about my appearence? i cried really hard when something bad happend ,everything would make me cry . i got into abusive friendships with girls, i fell inlove easily just when somebody was a little bit nice to me i really respected and loved my father but i wasn't sure if he did , i was jealous of the people he was nice to , i got bullied a lot by my bestfriends but i liked it because at least they were still here. if somebody cared or pretended to love me i would'nt care even if they hurt me like my father did ; any type of affection was enough, i was addicted to love i just wanted somebody anybody to care for me ,at this point i began cutting myself tried twice to end it all, was severly depressed but just kept to myself but then i changed to the other extreme i despised everybody when my parents insulted me i would insult back if somebody just didn't meet up my expectations i would just be really petty about it my parents started to change too they started being nicer said, that they loved me and cared about me that's why they were so strict about grades i started to understand them but still didn't forgive them when i talked about my issues to them like my eating disorders depression mutilation they dismissed it like it was nothing just me being a brat so i treated them like that too but now our relationshi is better i understood them better saw the problems they had, and all they did for me, my father is not good with expressing affection and his family when he was a child is pretty violent, but he still cared a lot secretly like a tsundere he bought me things that i didn't even ask for and once in a while would want to spend time with my mother is just like me she wasn't loved enough and sometimes acts quit childishly that was the time i figured out i liked my girl bestfriends in a love type of way but it's secret that i will never tell i don't think there are truly parents that hates their children just parents that had it rough. you have to remember that they are human too just try to forgive a little more and stop trying to figure who you truly are, have silly dreams hobbies are cool too, so yeah now my grades are good but i have to do better like now at math i have like a 18 and my report card is like a 16 out of 20 my parents were disappointed but just told me to do better the next time, i am pretty shy and don't talk a lot , i have a few friends who i talk to occasionly, i understood that why parents are like the way they are, it's just a clumsy way of telling me how they cared about my future and their daughter so my advice would be to in general not just to your parents stop analysing everything try to understand them but if you cannot i guess try to see how the person behaves in general find something you are passionate about for me it's me it's manga japanese and asian culture and studies; so yeah and , i am a a believer in god so when i am sad i pray and it helps, wow that was longΣ( ￣□￣||)(〜￣△￣)〜

I'm like literally so lonely it's not even funny. Idk why I'm typing this for validation to vent? Idk I feel like no one even really acknowledges my existence or struggles tbh. Like I tried to kill myself this month, my mom called an ambulance and everything and then everything just went back to the way it was, expected to still attend classes even though I struggle to retain knowledge this days. The biggest exams of my academic career is this year, dictating which university I might go to so yeah I feel so stupid, yet I still dont have the motivation to study. My mom just pretends it never happened, that or she asks, gets angry at me for trying to kill myself???? I'm supposed to go to therapy but my mom is opposed to taking me. Last time I went I was diagnosed with autism but she doesn't believe the diagnosis or anything. She didn't even tell me I just found out like months afterwards cause I found the paperwork Pleh. I was literally just chilling a minute ago and started sobbing so I probs needed to get this out or sumn, ik this isnt like therapy or anything.