What should I do..

I've thought about it so many times, but, I couldn't try it. Death is a big thing for so many people but for me.. it's just.. a small incident. This feels really bad because death can bring changes for worst but.. I haven't done anything till now that will give me a desire to continue, but I also can't try it because I'm scared of what might happen to my family when I'm gone they'll probably survive and Im probably one of the biggest reason for their stress and struggle, but even with that I don't have the motivation to continue, maybe I'm guilty or just afraid of what will happen afterwards, whether it'll be just a peaceful sleep or the beginning of another journey. It's probably not small for me, I've only ever found my peace in stories, most of emotions are not mine but of the characters I've seen. I don't know what's real or fiction anymore. I'm just ranting here, but I don't think I deserve to have my own feelings, I probably can't. I don't have a goal, nor the motivation to find one. I just don't know what to do anymore, am I being a coward or am I really concerned about my loved ones?