rant #2

I'm getting too comfortable on this site don't hit me pls I just really don't have anybody to talk to cuz my friends are like iffy about those stuff,,

I really really hate that I've lost so many friends over that guy's situation, like I know I was affiliated with a weird pedophile/necrophile I NEVER supported any shit he did I geniunely feel so guilty for what many people had to go through because of him, and because I turned a blind eye because I still held expectations for him. like people think I accept those things, what do you mean?? I literally don't, how would I be supporting it when I fucking exposed him??

I geniunely sometimes get so sick and dizzy just thinking about it, because the 'friend' who I put my trust in and confined in and like, literally told him about everything he did to me and provided him with screenshots of our conversations to make him understand how much I felt forced into replying and accepting that shit, like I was literally so afraid of that mf killing himself because IT JUST FEELS FUCKING AWFUL TO KNOW SOMEBODY DIED PARTIALLY BECAUSE OF YOU. what did he do? he stayed friends with me as long as I never went against him, the moment we had the slightest difference in opinions, and I geniunely don't think I was ever rude, I kept apologizing like every 5 seconds throughout the conversation because I'm a shitty people pleasure. the moment I tried to have a different opinion he sent some of those screenshots to people without context and I got blocked by so many people and I can't even explain my situation to them because THEY HAVE ME BLOCKED?? like I actually feel so tired of everything if I was ever your friend, wouldn't you come to know my side of the story? is this how much I matter now? that a screenshot so obviously out of context makes you think I support this shit??

Like I tried talking to that 'friend' through a third party and no matter when I cleared myself to them they just went 'well I still don't feel comfortable around you.', and guess what? that's alright, I understand, it's your decision and I don't have the right to bash you over it. but now that you know the truth [even though you DID before], at least tell my other friends that you were wrong. why am I still blocked? and why do I constantly find 'mutuals' between us blocking me too? yesterday two of our friends blocked me out of nowhere, and blocked my friend who was kinda-ish involved in the situation too. when I was clearing myself to you you told me you never told those people to block me but literally all the clues lead to you?? how come they randomly blocked the two specific people involved in that shit ass situation but not my other friends ?? can I get a fucking break I hate losing friends so suddenly it makes me remember how insignificant my word is compared to other people. thank you for making me anxious every night that in the end I will be alone, because you exist and you're making false accusations about my ass because I was guilt-tripped into keeping a relationship with some fucker who sent me photos of himself bleeding for the fun of it.