fromfg's Topics (40)

woooow 214….many thoughts swirling…feeling sick to my stomach just ouch…

Incredibly interesting that the first interaction with someone who has blatantly hurt him and kinda unintentionally spurred him towards Heejae in the first place is the first one to explicitly apologize to Garam, and without prompting too.

Also curious that this is coming from someone who has let go of music. Especially when music to Youngjo was what caused him immense pain, and trauma, and turned him warped and conniving, using others and their feeling for his own means. (And what does this mean about Yosep, who is the only one who still plays, and hasn’t reconciled with either of his friends?)

I’m not too clear yet with what I’m trying to say…but I’m just thinking…the connection that the author is (maybe?) trying to very slowly establish and hint at; how music is pain. Or rather, music is so vivid, so all-encompassing that it causes pain, like when you’re over-sensitized and pleasure turns to pain…? To leave it behind makes you more human? Or rather simply more regulated, more stable, less attuned to magnifying things to the heights of glory and the pits of despair? Because when you think about it objectively, truly none of them, be it Heejae’s students or Garam’s group while in school, we’re normal well-adjusted people. I can’t speak to how Younjo and Naeun are now, and so will be fascinating to see how they turned out with the new dynamic of being possible former musicians, but none of Heejae’s students are normal still. Even after they have actively unlearned and let go of Heejae’s teachings. And basing off when we last heard of them, obviously 4 years ago, they were all active high profile artists. And yes, this is an indictment on Heejae the monster maestro, but Younjo was also terrible and that was via his own independent trauma stemming from music.

Is it a curse to want to reach the heights of musical enlightenment? What is shunned and what is devoured in an attempt to find your singular sound? I know it is a never ending journey. Garam has shown us this and Heejae most of all has demonstrated it.

Again, this is kind of like me talking out loud lol just trying to work through my thoughts but yeah. Curious what this abandonment of music and being around others who have also let it go signals to Garam. And also at what point does he hit the wall of his acceptance of this new reality. In my opinion, he’s in the midst of grief right now. For himself and for love, because I think that love to Garam is music, and as of right now, music is also Heejae. When he comes out of grief, and if he does it on his own, what does it look like to see others who were also able to throw it away. What does music look like on its own? Is that even possible? Can one strive for that brilliance without the agony? Will he be able to once again look at and acknowledge beauty and have it be divorced from the sound that he carries?

I think a lot of the imagery of Garam as a lotus, able to stretch out wide and cover the surface of maybe not a beautiful place, maybe not beautiful water, but able to expand in freedom and thus bring beauty. And now this area has been excavated? Crushed? Dried up? Or rather maybe harvested. Maybe all his blooms have been harvested and now they’re sitting in a beautiful bouquet on someone’s shelf at home. And maybe he finds happiness in this new comfy life. He no longer has to put in the work to cover new ground, to turn something empty, beautiful. But cut flowers have an end. Cut flowers die.

At what point, if ever, will he think, maybe I want to go back to my pond and spread again, start again, differently?

I had this whole freaking essay typed out about chapter 210 but wanted to sit on it bc I felt insane about all of it and now I just simply feel sick…wow… the author creates such visceral feelings. I feel both like someone stabbed me in the gut, and I’m bleeding out everywhere, and like I’m sinking to the bottom of the ocean. Just…wow. I read 211 yesterday but wanted to see how translation changed my initial impression of it and everything is churning right now…

Also that afterword/author’s note is amazing. I would do so much to be able to just sit and chat with the author. Their narrative style and the way they weave the threads of each detail so that nothing is left adrift is phenomenal. Obviously, the Chekhov’s gun of it all, but I knew, and it then became increasingly clear, that Garam’s past couldn’t sit still when the author kept presenting that scene of everything that happened while he was at Gaeun (which is also literally his foundation as a person and artist) as a scene on a stage that could be “hidden” behind a curtain. All plays must come to a conclusion before the final curtain falls, and so here we are, ready to blow it all open, to maybe finally air out the wound so that it heals properly.

I’ll probably expound on Garam later and the aftermath of Garam and Heejae part 2. But right now, my first thoughts are latched on the detail that the author stated as Heejae being essentially stuck as that hurt, lonely, and thus vicious child internally and how that has poisoned him to others but especially himself.

It struck me, and has been something that has been lingering in my mind for a while, because how can someone feel such deep love and churn out such feeling of tenderness but still be so afraid to make it concrete by putting it into words. Where does the fear come from that creates such vast horrific destruction? And most of all, how can it be healed? How can the pain finally be soothed? And these questions come as an addition and with the acknowledgement we already have of the trauma he carries with his previous manager, as the author stated. It springs questions like is it really only this trauma that has ruined Heejae in such a devastating manor? It probably is. Sometimes the courage to let your guard down that tentative first time leaves such foundation-ruining lasting aftereffects. Especially when you consider the author stating that internally, Heejae is still very much that sharp, wounded child. I dunno, I can’t articulate it properly but I feel like there’s something lingering there, a little slip of a thread that is maybe waiting to be revealed and woven? I’m probably wrong lol but still! That way the author just provokes the mind…

I know we all hate Heejae, the author included lol, but it is spectacular and a testament to incredible craft that Heejae lingers and makes you (although rn it seems like maybe just me lol which of course is valid!…) see how human he is, even at his most nauseatingly horrific. In my personal belief, I find the most hateful, horrifying, destructive infliction of pain tends to come from a place of such sheer terror. It’s like when you clean and dress a critical, deeply infected wound or injury. The first briefest touch of cleanliness, of possible salvation, is the most knee-jerk harm inducing. The one that causes screaming and thrashing and immediate instinct to attack. Garam has always been that stinging, clear, beautiful life-saving antiseptic, able to find a path forward even amongst mud (the lotus motif). Heejae has always been that putrid, gaping, lifelong sepsis inducing wound, one that hurts to breathe let alone touch, a tempest of pain and blood.

Sometimes life saving care comes too late, the body rejects what’s good for it out of fear of change, of reaching healthy equilibrium when it’s always operated at a frenzied, infected, unbalanced pace.

I’m pretty scared at what comes next lol. I’m sure we haven’t even fully reached the bottom yet. The author doesn’t pull any punches and isn’t afraid to play dirty. I’m so excited, just god wow.

Sage, I’m running out of ways to express my thanks omg!

Heejae was right to fear Compton, look at what he’s done to them lmao From a seemingly simple, “innocent” question or I guess insinuation really, as to what “love” truly is and what love is for them as a couple.

It’s especially fascinating bc of all the pupils, Compton is the closest to Heejae and thus is able to hurt and confront and connive like him. They’ve essentially been in this strange twisted Cold War by doing these under the table sabotages to each other pretty much since Compton became a prominent conductor. The issue here is that Heejae has finally become soft. There is finally a chink in the armor that can penetrate the softest most tender vulnerable part of him, a part he couldn’t even remember existed. A part shaped and called Garam, all while Compton is still fossilized. He has taken a small step, yes, in understanding the root of his tempestuous anger lies in his still tender feelings for Heejae. But he still wants to tear Heejae apart. He still wants him destroyed and reduced to nothing. Compton, although finally taking a step toward betterment, is still a total piece of shit like Heejae lmao. This is why Garam takes it so hard when Compton tells him he’s annoyed he has to make an apology he doesn’t even mean. Bc he’s showing Garam the other side of the coin; saying the words and not meaning them. Apologizing but for appearances and snickering all the while at the difference in level and how the anger and abuse was for the music, for betterment, deserved. All while seeing and feeling firsthand the face of the same coin; someone who means the apology and is coming from the soul, but can’t break past the pride, doesn’t have the word to speak it aloud, is afraid of what it will do to them both, what it says about himself, for it to break past his sharpness.

And for once, and truly probably the very last time, Heejae has an opening. A startling gaping weakness that moves around and interacts in the world (Garam). Does all this pain need to happen for both of them to grow and thus continue together in their lives? Yes. Undeniably. Of course. Their selves, their relationship, their music will evolve to something better under this pressure (two gems sharpening and refining each other).

The issue is the pain and honestly, the probable total shattering that will occur for them both. I’m especially interested in seeing Heejae through this bc for once, it will be something beyond his recognition and power. I really do think it will destroy him but I want to see what he does then. How he picks himself up, will he do it alone? Will Garam show him the way, either in person or metaphorically, in the Garam that will always live inside Heejae’s soul, the Eurydice to his Orpheus?

I think this is where the myth will come to fruition and with a better outcome (hopefully! especially when you consider the title!). I think Heejae will find the strength in his heart and soul that he never had before because of the love he carries for and from Garam. I think because of this, and because of the pain, and more than anything because of the beauty of the love he carries, he’ll know not to turn back to look. And hopefully, will make it out of hell and back into Garam’s arms.

Garam has evolved and will definitely continue to. A character like him, the pure ringing clarity that his music (soul) brings isn’t one to stop even in pain (and we saw this in the first part at school and then again with Compton while working through the emotions of Concerto no. 3). He will add another layer to his sound, a depth and richness from the depths of the pain of his love. I’m curious to see how the author will meld this to the beautiful clear sound he already has. A Garam that can harness the dark depths of pain and the lightness of transience will be unstoppable, something so far beyond a pupil that we will finally see the emergence of an equal to Heejae’s mastery? And the possibility of a glasslike aching tenderness to Heejae? I’ll probably scream lol…

So now it is time for Heejae to take that (possibly final?) step.

Sage, there aren’t enough words of thanks for your work and dedication, truly.

Let the reckoning begin!

I’m so ready to be hurt omg! I know the road will probably be painful…but the only way out is through and a lot of the time it’s only through pressure and pain that we can change. I know the outcome will be something beautiful and worth it bc the author has shown us such a level of expertise for both the realities of humanity and relationships but also the weight of the worth that comes from doing the work to maintain them.

Was on vacation, but back and ready to feast omg

I’m obsessed with the idea that Garam isn’t a genius, especially when compared to the musical freaks of nature that are Heejae’s other students, and then of course against the wicked maestro himself. Or at least not a typical genius. I can’t wait to see how the author continues to develop this and its importance, if at all. Garam, although not what the others are, managed to retain something that none of them have, which is his self in music in relation to Heejae the “ultimate genius.” It also adds another layer of complexity to Garam, his relationship (both romantic and mentorship) with Heejae, and to music/the music industry as a whole. Especially bc now we’re grappling with the reality of natural plateaus in development and the never ending strive towards more in all senses (artistically, personally, professionally, etc.).

When we think about Heejae’s protégées, Choi Yerim of course lost not only the love for music but struggles with her mental health and reconciling who Heejae is in relation to her bc of his cruel teachings and back and forth behaviors. Kruger is adamantly and actively turning his back on all that Heejae taught him on top of having mental health/addiction issues that stem from his self worth in relation to his sound and Heejae (of which I’m so incredibly happy to see how much better he is!!and how he’s come back to music and his sound and performing in his own way with his own motivations!!) Compton literally turned his back on performing himself and seemed to have modeled himself the closest to Heejae by turning to conducting, as in instructing and molding others’ sound into what he wants it to be (and I can’t wait for that bomb to explode because oh man, it’s gonna be nasty and level everything!but the aftermath will be phenomenal im sure bc the author has proved themselves to be of such brilliance im just in awe. The level of craziness it’s brought out in me…….)

Of the whole of them, Garam has shown that he’s the strongest, even without being a brilliant spectacular supernova as the others are. Besting even Heejae, because his love for music and his singular sound has not only survived the voracious purposeful cruelty of Heejae that has warped all the other and even Heejae himself, but in turn even opened a facet of Heejae that he had willingly destroyed. Garam stood against Heejae and won, basically.

He turned to Heejae and showed who he was and continued as he is, yes of course improving and taking in Heejae’s lessons and critiques and his own self motivation to be better, but took a part of Heejae too in the midst of all this. It’s so beautiful and so striking for the author to do this because it showed the brilliance of music and also of Garam. A genius can be many, many things and we tend to have a stereotypical parameter for what we label “genius” (for example Naeun can and is labeled a genius and yet we already know what Heejae thinks of her of course) but sometimes, there are people who are singular and defy these structures. We find ourselves turning to them because we can’t help it. They bring something forward for us to experience that we may have never known before. Garam carries something in him that transcends typical genius labels and it’s why others who are labeled this can’t look away much less turn away. He broadens and opens up to them and brings them in, the depth and power of a black hole. Seemingly nothing until you’re in the midst of it and only then can its magnitude be truly appreciated.

It could be argued that Heejae is blinded by affection (or shall we say…love…?) but if we really think about, he was captivated by Garam’s sound before he even knew him. From that first listen of Jeux D’eau he couldn’t look back and this was when Garam was at his most amateur and raw. Now that he’s building experience and become more complex and adding further nuance…oh man we’re so done for lol but Heejae especially is truly and unavoidably fucked beyond measure lmao

We can all understand Garam’s point of view in this new turning point in their relationship (and in themselves) but I think we can also understand Heejae’s. To care for others doesn’t seem like it’s something natural to Heejae, and it can look like/feel like diminishing or being minimized when Garam wants to spread himself farther and wider. But I think they’re both approaching this from their own wells of insecurity. Heejae from his tyrannically control and fear of himself and abandonment. Garam from his understanding that he isn’t the “typical” “genius” student like those that predate him and the looming shadow of the “true commanding genius” that is Heejae. They’re so twisted up in each other that if they stepped back a bit, a lot of things would get clearer, even if it hurts.

Thank you so much Sage!!

And here we go. The nuclear explosion that levels everything, that exposes the veins, the very core of the earth. The imagery is astounding. The fear and pain and sorrow and anger. The ruined sanctuary that is Garam’s soul… this was never going to be easy, much less smooth either, and I’m pretty sure it never will be. But someone like Heejae needs Garam, needs that strong, steady stream of purity that will always run inside him. This moment showed us, even when his heart has been ripped out and he’s been flayed to the bone the sound continues. Garam will best Heejae in this bc it’s something in his very being, which is so clear to him now and something he has come to be grateful for and accept. This is why Heejae is so afraid. He knows he carries it too but is afraid to confront it. He’s been trying to build a dam and dry it out and he was almost successful until Garam came to his attention and that was it. It’s almost impossible to stop a spring. The building pressure will always be trying to find an outlet. The only thing now will be for Heejae to accept and we all know that won’t be easy. He’ll be terrible and painful and torturous before he succumbs. But when he does he will tremble before Garam, bc in my mind Garam is the stronger of the two. How brilliant, how beautiful. I keep telling myself I’m going to wait and let the chapters build up…lmao…

Now all that’s consuming my thoughts is the beginning of this USA arc bc thinking back on it, after Heejae blows up his whole fucking career and the reputation he’s built (FOR GARAM), the first thing he does is stop by with Garam in tow to visit the literal founder of Gaeum one of the most famous Korean universities/conservatory who also happens to be his /first/ music teacher/mentor. Like, he is literally demonstrating to Garam his lineage and pedigree in the most overt way possible and implying; “yes my reputation and career may be tarnished but that has never mattered to me bc /LOOK/ at what made me and where I’m coming from.” Heejae then proceeds to continue peacocking to Garam by showing off the breadth and depth of his talent and connections via his homes and the sheer joy of others at his return to the stage even if they may despise him as a person.
He is performing and touring at the most important and relevant venues in North America if not the world (which sell out for him!) with hundreds upon hundreds showing up to listen to his sound and yet here is Garam rejecting him outright and that is unfathomable. His nasty little remark when he makes Garam get off in the rain “everything worth seeing is right here anyway” in regards to the art museum where some of the most influential and monumental artworks are displayed as opposed to poor little him and his concert.This coming from the man who cries at the thought of not leaving behind a record, a legacy of brilliance long after he’s gone. It’s his biggest fear and most profound nightmare, the sound that is reaching out may never touch its twin flame, may never ring out for others to encounter its beauty forever.
They both want Garam to listen but are afraid bc deep down, they know what it means when he finally does. No turning back, no holds barred. lol they’re so fucked! Heejae’s breakdown is magnificent! Drinking in your sad lonely room (when Garam used to be just there if you stretched your arm a little, on the sofa) listening to the song that proved to you that you do have a kindred soul, someone who understands the way you do… so of course Garam is going to lash out at someone who he deems irrelevant attempting to diminish who his literal soulmate is. Lmao they have the same sound! A sound you can’t even hear bc you’re not even on the same planet! A sound that can be heard even at his most weak, “when he doesn’t have full control of his body” and the sound is all for Garam! Neither of them can stand anything diminishing the other, not even themselves! Also That beautiful dream of that drop of sound, the essence of being, cradled in Garam’s palm in a water lily pond………..speechless omg……….
I’m so curious to know how Kruger is going to play into all of this bc this is now the third time that he becomes noticeable (someone in the party when Heejae is staring at Garam drinking says “you don’t see Kruger much these days”) and he’s now listened to Garam’s sound and definitely knows Heejae’s.

(Sorry again for the wall of text, need to get these thoughts out, I fear these may keep coming until it’s over but I may run out of steam before then…I’ve never been so happy to be literate before…stay in school friends…the humanities ARE relevant…never kill yourself lmaoooo)

jesus christ…oh my god….the imagery…”I told you I’m drunk” meaning I’m not in control meaning I can’t hold back meaning I’m vulnerable meaning I’m tender in this moment…
wow