pearlywaters's question page 1 (38)

so yeah I got a call saying I could go back to school and I think they said they would do things a lot more differently because of social distancing and stuff. I'm not sure if I want to go though. despite school sucking, the work actually distracts me from my bad thoughts most of the time. that's kind of why I think it'll be good. I also have trouble paying attention at home so going back will probably help me focus. I'm usually lazy but when I have nothing good to do, I can become sorta hardworking. my therapist also said that it might help me. you may be asking "this seems good for you, why aren't you going?". wellll the problem is that I haven't went outside for a month and I don't want to go outside especially since I'm in a really bad place rn. I'm not sure if school can even help me in this moment and time. should I at least try going? what if I screw up something? how do i get the courage and motivation to go outside

please give me advice i really need some help

so whenever i read a popular but bad yaoi i feel pretty good while reading it (i feel good nearly every time i read a manga because manga is my way of coping) but then i rate it low or high then drop it. i end up wondering "huh, why did i rate this low? i remember liking this??" then i re-read and realise it's shit. it happened today when i noticed titan's bride updated and said i would try read it but instead i avoided it. then on the forums i see people putting reasons why it has a bad plot. i think the reason why i sometimes feel this way is because the time i read some of these, i was going through a fujoshi phase. although, sometimes i read a yaoi/manga nowadays and experience the same thing but for a short time. does anyone else experience this? anyways how do i just avoid shit manga in general? sometimes you can't trust ratings and i don't like the feeling of no longer enjoying something you used to enjoy. my patience is quite thin sometimes and i lose interest in things easily so shit manga just annoys me so much like i know its my fault for even bothering to read it despite noticing the bad shit and enjoying it while it happened but it annoys me so much to the point that i'm writing this pointlessly long and angry paragraph.

so i have this memory when i was 6...one of my cousins went with me to the toilet and showed me his pp. i don't remember much else about it. all i know is that i want to get rid of it because i can vividly imagine it and he was only three years older than me so its like seeing someone underage when i remember it.
i don't think it should be worrying, right? it can't really mean anything since he was only 9. maybe i remembered it in the wrong context? would this count as traumatic? should i tell someone about this?
another memory i have is someone i know taking me to his room saying i could play on his games console but he just hugged and groped me instead. should i tell someone about these? is this bad?
i'm scared these might have traumatised me since sometimes i feel like i'm not clean when i shower. i also have a lot of sexual urges. i also have some nightmares too that are related to pedophilia, cousins and incest. should i tell someone? please help me what do i do?

good way to die without using a knife or using pills that make you vomit when you overdose

you guys have weird usernames so i'm curious to see the weird ways that you might meet your lover

so i've been kinda wondering if its normal to do this (i don't do this regularly but i did it a few years ago). i was 9 or 10 when i pulled my hair out till i got a baldspot, i never did it again which i'm really glad about. my parents got really worried thinking my hair was falling out and i lied saying i cut it because i was scared of what they would think. is it normal to do this once in your life at the age of 10? i'm just kinda worried.

whenever someone says anything towards me that i don't think is positive, i end up thinking about if they think i'm weird, if they hate me, if they are tired of me and just worry about what they think of me. sometimes when people say anything positive about me, i never think they actually mean it and that they just say it to make me feel better or keep me from doing something troublesome. i'm also kind of a people pleaser except i'm not always good at pleasing. how do i stop?

so my mother is quite mentally ableist and i was just wondering if asking if i hear voices in my head a form of gaslighting? like whenever i show symptoms of my mental illness, she asks if i hear voices. am i overreacting? is it gaslighting? i mean i already know my mum used to gaslight me and i can sort of grasp what it means to gaslight someone. is it just her being ableist, gaslighting or both? i get sorta paranoid when she asks that question especially because i still sometimes feel like none of my traumatic memories are real or "traumatic" and i'm sensitive/overreacting/ "crazy". i'm scared to go back to actually thinking that way. ugh i really don't know anymore. i don't think she's even intentionally gaslighting me haha. i really can't be bothered anymore. i'm scared. i think i'm in one of those times where i'm dangerously suicidal. so i also need advice on that. i'm scared.

so i've been trying to suppress my bad thoughts and it worked a bit but holy shit i feel so exhausted and nervous rn. its hard to explain what i'm feeling tbh. i went outside today and i was able to suppress a lot of bad thoughts and feelings (it was still pretty bad) but now, i'm feeling anxious and i wanna cry for no reason?? has anyone else experienced this?? where they suppressed their emotions abd niw it comes to bite them back in the ass?? how do i fucking fix myself?? please help

I'm not sure if I have really done something like this but the closest I can think of is the one time I was curious about one of my best friend's secret (She left our school before she told me). I was really curious and my other best friend let me know, since I was the second person to be best friends with her the longest (even though she treated me a bit unfairly and we weren't always on good terms). The secret was that she had two dads, my dumb mind thought "oh so they are gay. There's nothing wrong with that, they are just part of the lgbtq community" but it probably meant something like her mom got divorced especially since her mom was pregnant. I said something across the lines of "There's nothing wrong with having two dads, they are part of lgbtq community-" then I get told that she also has a mom, then I also get a sudden realization. I just feel proud because I'm not homophobic, it's not an achievement but it feels nice knowing a piece of trash like myself can at least accept people. Sadly, the topic of minorities reminds me of my mum being racist. She had a bad childhood (and probably a bad life itself) but I hope she isn't holding onto those beliefs still today.

hey uh so perhaps you have a sort of secret that you'd keep to the grave (not really to the grave since i've said it multiple times online). and you wrote that secret down thinking you'd be in your grave right? and then your family asks about it but you're just not ready to tell them? and they won't stop asking and then they try to take the only thing that is my will to live, ahahaha what do i do? how do i tell them? i sort of want/don't want to tell them but everytime i try to, a lump forms in my throat or i lie while smiling nervously. how do i not tell them? i'm just not ready. will anything change if i tell them?

I just found out that we have video calls with our class and i find it weird tbh. What's worse is that I've missed a video call for religious education yesterday. I want to go back to school since I probably won't get used to this sort of thing and I'll get distracted away from my online classes. Usually when you're at school there are more limits and boundaries that help you stay focused but at home you can literally do anything and easily get sidetracked. How do I keep myself from being lazy, distracted and also really bored? On a slightly positive note, this isolating thing makes me wanna be more active and go outside.

I know the difference between right and wrong but ngl I'm a bit confused lately. Do you think in the future that all (or most) crimes would be justified? Well, maps exist so probably. I hope it doesn't reach that point though. When is crime 'right'? Is there ever a time for crime to be justified? Do you guys think we'd ever survive without the government? Okay this question is kinda dumb but I still hope you can answer. Do you guys ever think we'd be happy if money didn't exist and we could get all the good things for free?

sometimes when i'm awake at night, i don't go on my phone and i just zone out for a while and when i snap out of it, i'm confused because i thought i was awake but it feels like i woke up and then there is my position in which i "wake up" in because i definitely wouldn't sleep like that. anyways this doesn't happen very often but i recently did it and i think i zoned for 2 or 3 hours which is really worrying me.

so uhh i usually feel like my friends are too good for me and that i don't deserve to be with them and idk the reason but i have an idea. i feel like the reason is a bit petty considering it was when i was really young (well, i'm still really young lol) but my friend made me feel like everyone else (in the friend group) was better than me and she made me feel like i was a bad person i guess.

my "friend" fatshamed me a bit and also hinted at how i was weak. she would exclude me from things she'd do with the other friends in the group and when my other friends wanted me to be included so she'd make a "test" for me so that i could join them in whatever they were doing. of course it was about being athletic. I found this thing I really liked and then she took it and said that i could only get it once i did some things for her. it wasn't even hers anyways. and i never even got it since she "gave it to her little sister". she would never tell me her secrets even though i tell her mine. we had a new student in our friend group once and she was a thief. she stole stationary from me but the "friend" took her side for some reason because she liked her? and guess what? she stole a lot of other stuff from other people. they got there stuff back luckily but i didn't get it back because idiot me believed that she really owned those things. i feel like this whole paragraph is petty but eh. i'm really sensitive anyways.

not sure if this is why i'm like this but i usually get upset for petty reasons. how do i fix myself?

so i uh recently did something bad so now my dad gave me this weird necklace thing saying it would make me get better and i think he might make me listen to quran everyday. i got a bit angry, is that ok? i haven't told my parents that i gave up on religion. i just don't like how my dad is just relying on religion thinking that's going to make me get better.

i wanted to play the game but it won't work with my old ass phone and trying to get it on mac is too complicated for me. i've seen people talk so much about it but the character that made me to download it is la signora. is it good for f2p players? why does it take up so much space?? and when is it coming on the switch?? are there any good alternatives for it?

i hate bananas. idk why. i think it may have something to do with the time when i was force fed a banana in school but i realised how much i really hate bananas today. when i smelt the scent of bananas, i lost my appetite instantly. what's even worse is that someone made a mess where little pieces of chewed banana were on the table counter. i was disgusted and my mood went down to 0%. when i thought about accidentally touching those little banana pieces i immediately gagged. i hate whoever left their banana in the open. i wish i could put that half-eaten banana in the bin but i don't care even wanna touch it. anyways, you can clearly see the problem. how do i stop being obsessive over this and get used to the smell of bananas?

so....your younger sibling did something illegal online and you found out and it really fucked you up. me and my sister are making sure he doesn't go on any devices (we do allow him to watch shows with us or play games under our watch). but our mum...she doesn't even care. she even told our impressionable young 8 YEAR OLD brother THAT ITS OK AND EVERY KID DOES IT. i sorta thought it was my fault since he learnt some things from me but i now realise how negligent my mum is. me and my little brother had a fun time watching tv yesterday, i had to go do some stuff so i waited for my parents to come watch him. SHE LITERALLY GAVE HIM HER PHONE JUST SO SHE COULD WATCH SOME OVERDRAMATIC INDIAN DRAMA. my little brother was always a brat because of her. she always says shit like i could take care of my whole family when i was your age, why don't you teach me how to, then? she didn't even teach me proper hygiene or cooking? i only learnt that from my sisters and my school. today, my brother literally threatened to hit me with a badminton racket just to get his ipad. she didn't even do shit. fun fact: my mum used to work a lot before so i had to take care of his temper tantrums while my sister cooked. i prefer the way it was before because i could at least stop him from doing anything stupid. ugh sorry i ended up ranting about my mum. anyways, i've really changed recently. i've shown my aggression a lot recently. i do admit i used to show my aggression to my younger brother and i don't want to do that again. i shouted a lot today, i don't usually do that and i'm scared of taking it out on him even if he is part of the reason. i just feel like i might crack under all the pressure and might do something bad to myself or my brother.

For me, I just think of the worst scenario I could be in and remember that God could make that happen but it's not that effective. I also do more research about it and try to find "proof" about it. I put quotation marks because sometimes the proof isn't definitive evidence. In the end you'll never know unless you die. I want to know other people's ways so I can try be more motivated than I already am.